Curious Thoughts
Last weekend, I decided to bring my canoe along on a solo camping trip. As a long-time fan of canoeing, it struck me as strange that I hadn't used it for two years. However, the prospect of loading it up stirred up a mix of anxiety and second-guessing. Thoughts like "is it too much work?" or "will I even use it?" popped into my head. Instead of succumbing to these thoughts, I got curious. Who decided it's too much work, or that it's pointless if I don't use it? So, I pushed these doubts aside and loaded up the canoe.
Once at the campsite, I was tempted to remain in my comfortable camp chair. Thoughts of it being too windy to be out on the water or that it might not feeling great physically to sit in the canoe made me hesitate. Yet, I knew that these thoughts were just coming from a mind that does what a mind does – tries to keep me safe. And what is safer than staying in my chair?! But our thoughts and feelings are not true representations of the external world. So, I once again noticed my thoughts and simply moved on. I found myself gearing up and heading towards the water.
Standing by my canoe, doubts resurfaced about the cold water, potential winds, and the strain on my unused muscles. Despite this, I got in and started paddling. Initially, I felt anxiety with every stroke and shift of my weight, but it gradually turned into enjoyment. I began to appreciate the beauty of the surroundings and the company of other paddlers on the water.
On the second day, I had a barrage of thoughts about when and if I should go canoeing, but again, I found myself on the water. This time, I ventured further. Despite the presence of occasional anxious thoughts, my sense of peace, curiosity, and adventure outweighed the worries. I got reacquainted with my canoe and the joy of paddling, exploring new strokes and movements.
By the third day, I was genuinely excited to go canoeing. The serene lake, glistening under the sun, was inviting. I observed fish swimming beneath my canoe, interacted with an otter, a loon, and a couple of ducks. I felt part of the intricate ecosystem that surrounded me, a truly wonderful experience.
Even in the presence of scary thoughts, I embraced the experience. The canoe, the paddle, the ecosystem - everything was a tool for exploration. I realized that I could experience all of it just by being okay with every aspect of it, including my thoughts. I accepted the fear and worry, the potential risks, and the unknown elements, knowing I could handle them if they materialized.
Throughout this trip, I realized that the power of my thoughts was enormous, but so was the understanding that they were just thoughts. Nothing about the outside world had changed in the past two years, only my willingness to face the unknown and to embrace all experiences – even those of fear and anxiety. My adventurous spirit was separate from my thoughts and feelings, and it was still there, ready to explore.
In the end, nothing had made it "possible" for me to go canoeing that weekend. I simply acknowledged my thoughts, accepting them for what they were, and consciously decided not to let them dictate my actions. After all, there is no cause-and-effect relationship between my feelings and actions. I can fear something and yet, still do it. This, to me, seems like the essence of true freedom and the simplest path to unleashing the full potential of our spirits.